


I'm fine. Everything's Fine.

by Not__Misha__Collins



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholic Dean, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-22 02:46:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3711895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not__Misha__Collins/pseuds/Not__Misha__Collins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started when he was about 17. Thier father left, thier mother dead, forcing Dean to take care of Sam by himself.</p>
<p>The empty bottles, the denial.</p>
<p>(AU where Dean is an alcoholic).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Dean,” Sam says once again.

No response from his older brother.

“Dean, please,” Sam says, “Talk to me.”

A whimper. The first noise Dean has made since Sam arrived an hour ago. Sam puts his arm around Dean.

“It’s okay Dean,” Sam assures him, “It’s going to be okay.”

Sammy was always the sensitive one. Taking care of everyone. It’s supposed to be Dean who protected Sam. Dean, the older brother, needs to be protected by Sam. It wasn’t always this way…

_15 years ago…_

_June 5, 2000_

It started when Dean was around seventeen. He would go to parties, sometimes sneaking out, with his friends: Crowley who calls Sam ‘Moose’ after Crowley’s favorite show  as a kid (Bullwinkle and Rocky), and claims to have descended from royalty, Adam, who is kind of soft spoken but quick tempered, and Jo, a tomboy who is not afraid to voice her opinion.

Sam’s friend since pre-k, Gabriel, at the Winchester’s house for a sleepover.

“Where’s your Dad?” Gabe asks.

“I don’t know,” Sam says, “He leaves a lot.”

Gabe nods, having heard this countless times.

“Dean’s at a party?” Gabe asks.

“Yeah.”

Dean walks in sometime after 3 am, stumbling, and slams the door shut. This wakes up Sam.

“Dean?”

“Hey…Sammy,” Dean says.

Dean hugs Sam, then runs off to his bed and collapses onto it.

_August 20, 2001…_

“It’s been a YEAR now,” Dean says to Crowley over the phone, “He’s gone.”

As Dean hangs up, he notices Sam staring at him.

“Dad’s not coming back,” Sam, now thirteen, says, “Is he?”

As much as Dean would love to give Sam hope, he just can’t lie to his brother.

“No. I don’t think so.”

Dean hugs Sam.

“I’ll take care of you, Sammy,” He says, “I love you.”

_January 10, 2002…_

Dean puts Sam to bed and goes to the front door.

“Dean?”

Dean turns to see Sam staring at him, eyes pleading him to stay.

“Yeah Sammy?”

“Don’t leave me here,” Sam pleads, “I hate being alone.”

Dean sighs.

“I’ll be back,” Dean says, “Soon, okay?”

Sam nods.

“Now go back to bed.”

Dean leaves. This is the first times he walks out on someone. The first time he disappoints Sam, and everyone he loves. The first, but not the last.


	2. Dissapointment

_May 15, 2003,_

It’s always Dean’s fault. Everything. His mother’s death. She told him not to play with matches. Their father leaving. Being a complete and total disappointment in his father’s eyes was something Dean could back. And finally, the world’s worst guardian for Sammy.

“Hey...”

Dean shakes out of his thoughts and looks at Jo.

“You okay?” She asks.

“What, yeah,” Dean says.

“Uh-huh,” She says in disbelief, “Come on. You’re going home.”

“No,” Dean says, “I’m fine.”

“Bullshit. Now come on, let’s go.”

He just stares at her.

“I will knock you out and drag your ass…”

“Fine,” Dean interrupts.

Nothing could prepare him for what he sees when he walks in the front door. Nausea, the first thing he feels, then shock.

Sam lay on the floor, wrists slit, Gabriel holding him.

“Dean…”

“What happened?” Dean demands.

“I came to hang out with him,” Gabe says, “No one answered, so I came in. He was laying like this. And then…”

Gabe hands Dean a paper.

**_I’m sorry, Dean._ **

“No!” Dean shouts.

He feels Sam’s pulse. Still alive. Dean sighs in relief.

“Gabe, call an ambulance.”

6 hours later…

Sam lost a lot of blood. Any more and he might have died. If Gabe hadn’t been there…

“Dean…” Sam’s voice is weak.

“Sam!”

“Wh…where...”

“You’re at the hospital,” Dean says, “What happened?”

“I…”

“Sam…”

“Why didn’t you let me die?” Sam demands.

“Are you CRAZY?”

Tears flicker into Sam’s eyes.

“I don’t know,” He says, “Maybe?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Maybe because you’re never fucking home!” Sam yells, “You’re always out with your friends! Always drunk! You’re just like Dad!”

“I’m sorry,” Dean says, “I’ll try to…”

“Save it.”

“Sammy, I love you,” He says, “You’re my brother. I…I want to help you.”

“I love you too, Dean.”

_Early 2004…_

Sam got better. Medicine, therapy. Dean made absolutely sure of that, stopped going out with his friends. He brought it home with him. Sam wasn’t supposed to know, but he did. All those bottles Dean would empty. Sam couldn’t ask, Dean would only deny it. Stress, Dean tells him. Sam knows it’s bullshit. He sees the tears, though Dean hides them.

Dean is hiding, it’s what he does. Hiding behind the guilt, the shame, everything. He almost let Sam die. A horrible brother. **Sam doesn’t need me. A brother, yes, but not me.**


	3. Losing

May 20, 2005…  
Dean: 22  
Sam: 17  
Dean sits, stirring in his guilt. Functional Alcoholism, he calls it. It’s taking a toll on him, on Sam, on his friends too. He’s letting them down. He won’t stop, and he can’t.  
Sam is growing up. Getting out of high school a year early, going to college.  
“I’m proud of you, Sammy,” Dean says.  
College isn’t an option for Dean. He can barely afford the house. Sam, of course, doesn’t know this. If it weren’t for the full scholarship, Sam wouldn’t be going anywhere.  
As soon as Sam leaves, Dean might be out on the street.  
November 27, 2007…  
Cold, maybe twenty degrees, far below freezing. Sam wears his brown jacket, a pair of gloves and boots as he drives back to his hometown to look for Dean once again.  
A year. A year since they last spoke. Dean disappeared, off the map completely. Sam’s car, the black Impala that Dean gave him for college, was the only thing between him and the bitter cold outside. He won’t allow himself to think it. Won’t allow himself to believe Dean might just be gone.   
Sam makes his way into a diner. A waitress gives him a menu.  
“Coffee,” He orders.  
The waitress nods and takes his menu. The front door squeaks open. A man walks in, clothes ragged, a thin jacket, a hat. Sam watches the man, he knows instantly.  
“Dean?”  
Dean looks up, shocked, then runs out the door, down the street. Sam runs after him, tackles him to the ground.  
“Hey Sammy,” Dean realizes there’s no escape.  
“Where have you been?” Sam demands.  
“Around.”  
“You can’t lie to me, Dean.”  
“I lost the house, Sammy,” Dean says.  
“Why didn’t you tell me?”  
“I fucked up.”  
“Come on,” Sam pulls Dean.  
“Where are we going?”  
“To my dorm,” Sam says, “Now give me your jacket.”  
Dean takes off his jacket, dirty but in good shape, and Sam trades jackets. He folds Dean’s jacket and puts it in the back seat of the Impala.   
“Thank you, Sam,” Dean says.  
“Don’t thank me, I’m your brother,” Sam says, “I’d do anything for you.”  
Dean nods, then coughs. He shivers under Sam’s jacket.  
“Are you okay?” Sam asks.  
“A little sick.”  
Sam touches Dean’s forehead, then gets his hand swatted.   
“A fever. Dean…”  
“It’s the flu,” He says, “I think.”  
At the dorm…  
Dean finds the bathroom and proceeds to take a shower. Sam takes Dean’s clothes to get washed. Dean borrows Sam’s clothes, then passes out on Sam’s bed.  
“Hey…” A voice says.  
Dean opens his eyes slowly.  
“Hey,” Someone says again.  
Dean looks beside him. A man, probably his age, is looking at him. Trench coat, brown hair, stubble, blue eyes. Damn, those eyes…Stop it Dean. You remember what happened with Crowley…  
“Hey,” Dean mumbles.  
“You must be Sam’s brother,” He says, “I’m Castiel. Sam’s roommate.”  
“I’m Dean. Nice to meet you.”  
Cas peers at Deen.  
“You too.”  
December 24…  
Christmas Eve. Sam had managed to get an extra bed in the dorm for Dean to sleep. The dorm was kind of big.  
Sam goes out for a few hours, leaving Cas and Dean to themselves.  
“Hey Dean,” Cas asks.  
“Yeah?”  
“Want some?” Cas hands Dean some eggnog.  
Dean hadn’t had a drink in about two months. He knows he should stop, it’s what got him into this shit in the first place.  
“Yeah,” Dean takes the bottle.  
A couple hours later…  
“Dean…” Cas whispers, “I…come here.”  
Dean goes over to Cas, who is far more drunk than Dean.  
“I…like you, Dean,” Cas says.  
“I like you too…”  
Cas shakes his head, reaching for Dean’s neck, grabbing and kissing his lips. Dean only stares at him. He likes it, but won’t admit that. Cas continues, kissing Dean’s neck now, causing Dean to moan.  
“Cas…” Dean says.  
“Hmm?”  
Cas’s hand creeps up Dean’s leg.  
“Nothing,” Dean says.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam walks in on something.

Sam and Dean visit Gabriel over break. As well as seeing Jo and Crowley. Adam, rotting in jail for murder. Manslaughter, actually.  
Dean hears everything.   
“He’s still drinking, isn’t he?” They’d ask.  
“He’s trying,” Sam would say.  
Dean is letting Sam down again. It’s what he does best.  
February 14, 2008…  
Dean cries, Cas comforts him. It tends to go beyond comfort more often than not. A strange relationship the two have.  
“I know…Sam is disappointed,” Dean says.  
Cas takes Dean’s hand.  
“No,” He corrects, “He loves you Dean.”  
And so do I.  
“What do you think of me, Cas?”  
Cas kisses Dean gently. The door shuts. Sam stares at the two, shocked. Dean stands up.  
“Sam, it’s not what you think,” Dean defends.  
Sam’s shock turns to realization. He nods.  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sam asks.  
“Umm…”  
“I already knew, Dean,” He says, “When you slept in his bed on Christmas Eve. And on New Year’s. I knew something was up.”  
Dean sighs.  
“It’s fine,” Sam says, “I don’t care. I…think he’s good for you.”  
Dean just nods.  
Hours later…  
Dean lies in Cas’s bed, Sam and Cas in their classes. Someone enters the door, Cas. Dean looks over to him, he is holding one hand behind his back.  
“Watcha got?” Dean asks playfully.  
Cas hands Dean a rose. Dean smiles and takes it, his hands shaking. He tries to hide it, but Cas already saw.  
“What’s wrong?”  
“Withdraws,” Dean says.  
Cas takes the flower from Dean and sets it aside. He grabs Dean’s hands and holds them.  
“It’s gonna be okay,” He said, “I’m right here.”  
Feburary 27…  
Sam is the first to find out. He’d honestly thought his brother was getting better, so did Cas. They decide to confront him about it.  
“Dean…” Sam holds the empty can.  
“Look, I told you…it’s not mine,” Dean swears.  
“Right,” Sam says, “Well, it’s not mine, and Cas doesn’t drink.”  
“Dean, it’s okay if you’re having trouble…” Cas says.  
Dean runs his fingers through his hair, expecting fully for Cas to leave, for Sam to kick him out. Give up. Give up, that’s what they all do.  
“I’m sorry,” Dean pleads, nearly a whisper, “I tried. I really did. But I failed you, and Cas, everyone. I’m sorry.”  
Cas puts his arm around Dean, and Dean cries. Sam comforts Dean as well.  
“You didn’t FAIL me, Dean,” Sam says, “This isn’t your fault.”  
“It’s always me, Sammy,” Dean corrects, “Dad leaving, Mom dying, and you almost…”  
“NO,” Sam interrupts, “That was so long ago…”  
“I abandoned you.”  
“I should’ve told you. Instead of keeping secrets.”  
“You’ll be okay, Dean,” Cas says, “I believe in you.”  
“We’re not leaving you,” Sam says.  
The three group hug. That night, Sam lies awake, listening to Dean and Cas talking.  
“I never told Sammy that he hit me,” Dean says.  
“Your father…”  
“When he’d come home drunk if I was there I’d get to him before he could get to Sam,” Dean says, “Or if I got in trouble at school, or just pissed him off.”  
“And when you weren’t home…”  
Dean shakes his head.  
“I…I don’t know,” He says, “I’d like to think he just left Sammy alone but…”  
“He never hit me, Dean,” Sam says, making Dean flinch.  
“I thought you were asleep,” Dean says.  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sam asks.  
“It’s no big deal,” Dean says, “Besides…I killed our mother. He wasn’t exactly pleased with that.”  
Sam just stares, big puppy dog eyes that bore into Dean’s very soul. He fails to acknowledge Dean’s worthlessness. Cas doesn’t seem to either.  
“You didn’t mean to,” Sam says, “You were just a kid.”  
Cas wraps his arms around Dean. He doesn’t deserve someone like Cas, or the support of Sam. Hell, he barely deserves to be alive. He buries his head in Cas’s chest, but doesn’t cry. He can’t. He’s out of tears. Cas holds him tightly.


End file.
